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12/03/07 12:00:17 - The Platonic Case (Repost)

The following is a repost of a Rusty CrapJournal entry:

So I think blogs are ridiculous, but hypocrisy only annoys me when it's someone else.

Anyway, I've studied German for some years now, and anyone who has studied, spoken, or otherwise been exposed to the language of the superior race for more than a cursory period of time could probably describe to you the horrors of the case system. To be rather simplistic, the subject of a sentence, or the predicate in the case of a sentence where the active verb is "To Be", is in the nominative case. Direct objects are in the accusative case and indirect objects are in the dative case. Prepositions, as well, set off different cases based on whether they are transitive or intransitive, and sometimes completely at random. There is also a possessive genitive case that forces some adding of letters and subtracting of functional brain cells. To make it worse, there are about 1000 exceptions. (Finnish is actually worse, having as many as 11 cases, though the rules are hard and fast)

Anyway, English does have some cases, but they only really apply to pronouns. The alteration of who to whom, or the more common examples of I -> me, we -> us, etc, are all examples of some leftover cases we still employ.

But English does have another case: the platonic case.

The platonic case has many of the common hallmarks of cases, with the simple alteration of existing words to change the meaning.

For example, in the platonic, "You" is changed to "Ya," (or in some dialects "Yas") since saying "I love you" is obviously far too caring and unambiguous a notion. In some situations, it may be further necessary to remove the subject and leave only the implicit "I" with the phrase "Love ya" so that not only the meaning is up for debate, but additionally the source of the compliment.

It doesn't stop there, of course, since the platonic case often requires the entire reworking of sentences.

The following sentence:

"John, you are so great."

changes to

"John, you are such a great friend!"


"John, you make me want to take my pants off"

changes to

"John, you make me want to vomit out my eyeballs."

Unique to this case, also, is the need to entirely change words!

In ending a letter for example, traditional closings like "Love," "Yours", "Sincerely", etc, must be replaced by one of the following in order to indicate the strength of the platonic:

1.) Your friend (Or, alternatively, "You're friend", depending on the literacy of the speaker.)

2.) Love in Christ (Theoretically, one might see Love in Buddha, Love in Allah, Love in Mohammed, Love in Chairman Mao, or something of the like, but they are considerably less common, since this IS a uniquely English case)

3.) As above, any combination of the following: Love ya, Love yas, Lovin ya, Luv ya, Luv yas, Love like burning

Almost exclusively an internet phenomenon, the use of punctuation and emoticons can communicate the implied use of the platonic case as well.

"I think you're cute!"

changes to

"You're sooo cute!! :)" (the smiley could be replaced by a wink if the speaker wishes not only to communicate the platonical but to be a flirtatious bitch as well)


"I want to make sweet, sweet, repetitive love to you."

changes to

"Aww, you're sweet! :)"

Comments are tolerated, but not from platonic case-using hosebeasts. Well, okay, you can comment too.
Comments: 2


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