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Star Salzman's CrapJournal


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10/09/04 02:15:31 - Incredible Singing Awesome




Dude, some awesome dude made me this awesome wallpaper. What a freaking awesome guy. Just thought I'd give him the exposure he deserves.
Comments: 3

09/26/04 04:13:50 - Surf's up

I've been thinking a lot about family recently. I've decided that family is probably a really great concept, like nuclear fusion, but doesn't usually work, like nuclear deterrence.

It's tough to take a seemingly random sampling of people and have them get along, let alone live with eachother.

But that doesn't mean you should turn your back on them. I've been doing that for a long time, and it's time to stop being such a selfish jerk, and start being a better member of this family.

I've been waiting for such a long time for someone to reach out and try to connect me, but heck, who the hell reaches out to them? Who does my Grandmother turn to, when she has personal problems?

Who does my Dad turn to, now that he's alienated every sane person in his life?

I might be mounting a crazy-ass cause here, but guess what? I'm going to try to repair the emotional stupidity of our family. Heck, i've already got myself mostly covered, and I wasn't too bad. There are of course, some rifts that will never be healed. I also have 3 very distinct families to worry about. But heck, it's not like I have a job, and school isn't so bad that I have NO free time.

So that's it, I've finally made a serious entry. I've crossed the line. So if you got through this without x-ing the window, like I would, consider this:

Today, do something nice for your family. Not something like take the trash out or clean the rug or do the REALLY nasty pile of dishes, that'll do a lot more good if you save it for when you come over HERE.

Instead, take an interest in some ridiculously uninteristering thing your dad is EXTREMELY interested in. Pick up your sister's poetry and give it the in-depth analysis that it deserves. Play video games with your little brother instead of hanging out with this hot chick that you totally have a chance with. Go see your cousin's band play at the high school dance!

Ok that's needlessly idealistic. Here's the real version:

Just call them and let them know something reminded you of them. "So hey I was at my favorite website, and all the sudden there was a SERIOUS entry, so i decided to call you, knowing how much you LOVE seriousness, father!"

And as you sit there, and imagine the careworn lines on his forehead swallow up humor and lightheartedness in the air like a black hole of solemnity, his gorgon-like expression unchanging and emotionless, you can reflect on what a blessing from the heavens even one approving smile would be. Then there would be a long awkward silence, while your mind slowly waltzes through the wasteland of decisions that were never quite good enough for 'daddy'. And as the music of your life, an unearthly expression of piercing dissonant notes and chords, suddenly comes to a deafening crecendo, each note a poignant reminder of this failure, or that failure... you stop and wonder, what must it feel like to be the conductor? The silence on the other end of the telephone answers your question before it's even fully formed in your mind. The next time you see him you wont tell the penguin joke. You'll smile and nod and make his own final symphony as comfortable as possible. There'll be time to work on your music later; you'll eventually get it perfect, long after he's around to appreciate it. Take comfort, though, he'll most likely be getting drunk and banging your mom... in heaven.

But seriously folks, I'm a nutcase.


Comments: 6

09/05/04 03:21:06 - A Warning Sign



 

This sign freaking owns. It's like, dude if you have a big dong, we're
totally going to shoot you
 

 
This sign is awesome. They should put it outside of Austin though.
 

 

 

I love this sign because it was obviously written by someone who took a lot of creative writing, and wrote this huge awesome essay about the dangers of ice falling with super colorful metaphors and cool imagery. Then they made him condense it down to this little sign. He committed suicide days after. 
 

 
This guy looks like he just realized he forgot to take a dump before starting his huge hike to the bottom. No TP in the grand canyon, thats for damn sure. 
 

 
Ahh, my favorite! No text signs. This one looks like, WARNING: EVIL SUPERVILLANS ASSUME THEIR FINAL FORM HERE 
 

 

 

hehehe owned
 

 

WARNING: IF YOU ARE LARGER THAN OUR TWO TALLEST TREES, WE WILL FORCE YOU OFF THE CLIFF, EVEN IF YOU ARE A 'FRIENDLY' GIANT
 

 
Owned
 

 
This one confuses me. It's like, WARNING: WE REMOVED YOUR FRONT TIRE AND INSTALLED SEVERAL PITS IN THE ROAD THAT WILL MAKE IT EVEN HARDER FOR YOU TO RIDE YOUR BIKE. GOOD THING YOURE WEARING THAT HELMET 
 

 
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA That croc is like YES
 

 
The worst danger ever
 

Maybe both of these are from the same place


Comments: 7

08/25/04 01:22:12 - Yarr

As the sound of approaching footsteps echoed through the cave, I knew my time was up. They had found me, and it was just a matter of time before the Captain had what he wanted. I knew him by his footsteps; that calm, measured pace conveys nothing but inevitablity. He doesn't need to run. He'll get what he's after sooner or later.

Suddenly, shadow became man and I was staring at the face of Captain "Yipyap" Ferdinand. They called him yipyap because for some odd reason he made that noise when he killed you. And he killed you a lot. And you didnt even have time to laugh at the yipyap, or look quizzically at him and say "what the heck was that" because you were dead.

The Captain edges closer, drawing his sword.

"You have 5 seconds to live. If, in these five seconds, you choose to tell me where you've hidden the Sword of the Rue of the last Pirate King, I might let you live, but probably not, becuase I havent said yipyap in like, a week or something".

At this point I decided to try my luck.

"Why in the world do you say 'yipyap' anyway?"

The Captain hesitated. Never in my 12 years of knowing the Captain did he EVER show the slightest hesitation. He'd just kill and say his yipyap and be done with it.

Suddenly the Captain's face returned to it's normal "ok i'm going to kill you and like 2 seconds after you're dead im going to say yipyap" look.

And I knew it was all over.

But suddenly, he sits down, takes out his pipe, and begins telling the most long and convoluted story ever, about the origin of his yipyapping. He gets SO absorbed in his story that he doesn't notice me sneaking out the back. He also doesn't notice me double back, go get the Sword of the Rue of the Pirate King back, sneak out the back again, double back again, and stab him in the back (his back, not the cave's back) with the aformentioned sword.

And then, it hits me.
I think, hey, wouldn't it be funny if...

"yipyap!"

Suddenly, I felt more elated and at peace than I've ever felt before in my entire life.

When it faded I was a shell of a man, with an insatiable lust to kill. I needed to say yipyap.

And so, I lept off into the night, thinking that perhaps I should have listened to the pirate Captain's story, and greedily anticipating my next chance to say...

"yipyap!"

Comments: 1

08/23/04 01:36:55 - The Order

I walk into the dimly-lit, smokey room, completely ignoring the writing on the wall; I know what it says. I glance over to see you standing there, smiling as always, the haze and light creating a brilliant halo to surround your already angelic face. Stumbling as I approach, searching for words that will brighten your day the way you illuminate the otherwise dusky atmosphere, you interrupt me with the most beautiful sound I've heard all day:

"What would you like this evening?"

A thousand replies cycle through my mind like a gas-turbine engine powered rolodex; what I would "like" has completely changed since I walked into this place. I try to remember why I came here, trying to end the already awkward silence that has developed between us.

I smile, not knowing what else to do. You return my smile, and it's like I've stepped into a field of a thousand glittering butterflies, and then foolishly I swallowed the lot of them.

Finally, a familiar rumble gives me the words I've been searching for:

"I'll have the Mongolian Kung Pao Beef, please."

This was what I wanted? Food alone can not sustain me. Like the photosynthetic process, I need your sunlight to stay alive.

"Would you like a drink?"

"Yes, please"

I want your Love, like the purest water, to flow through my veins so I can stand against the hurricanes, fires, and all other manner of life's natural disasters. You and I can grow old together, forest and stream, and when they count my rings they will see that sometimes you were plentiful, and sometimes you were barren, but we made it through together. My roots protecting you, and your water purifying me.

As I enjoy this reverie, you interrupt me for the last time.

"Enjoy your meal"

Our hands meet as you give me the last record of our meeting, the only momento of this beautiful journey that I can take with me.

I try again in vain to think of something that can give you a hint of the way you have completely shaken my world. And yet, my parting farewell is simply:

"You too."
Comments: 3


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