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02/05/04 04:33:10 - Like the TurboGrafx

The Turbo Grafx 16 is now my favorite gaming system. Now before you say "BUT SNES IS SO MUCH BETTER OMG!!!", hear me out.

Me and the TurboGrafx 16 have a lot in common. We both came from humble beginnings. Neither of us had quite the impact we expected by the American populace; everyone loved us a little, but we were never the favorite.

This is partly due to the way we look. Our respective bad graphics is what does the trick. Everyone says the SNES is better, because it looks better.

You superficial bastards. The TG16 had a sound chip that was WAY more advanced than the SNES opposition. The music for a typical TG16 game(ninja spirit) was quite awesome(this is a crappy midi rip, but you get the idea).

Anyway, let's get specific:

TURBO GRAFX 16:



LOWDOWN:
Kickass, underappreciated game system. First system to have a CD drive. Lots of cool games, but lots of crap ones too, because nobody wanted to develop games for it.

HOW I RELATE:
I'm a kickass, underappreciated game player. I'm the first person I know to get a CD burner. I've met lots of of cool chicks, but I've been owned by lots of crap ones, because nobody wants to develop feelings for me.


NINJA SPIRIT:



LOWDOWN:
A no bullshit, in your face arcade game where you die in one hit and there's a super impossible level that I've never been able to beat, not even with an emulator/savestates. You get lots of weapons, and you're not trying to save some stupid girl that got captured, you're out to get revenge for the murder of your father. YES.

HOW I RELATE:
I'm hardcore just like this game. I have lots of weapons at my disposal, but since I still die in one hit, its pretty perilous. Unlike this game, I'm still chasing after girls. Eventually, I think ill figure out the only reason to kick a lot of ass is because of the death of your student/father/family, etc.


SILENT DEBUGGERS:



LOWDOWN:
Ok, this game is the second scariest game ever, scarier than Alone in the Dark, but not as scary as Sinistar. While you're actually playing, the game has no music, you just hear aliens rustling around and stuff. Holy CRAP. Anyway, youre basically a badass that kills these aliens... a debugger! Clever! Your partner is either a really cute girl with short hair, or a really pretty guy (I can never tell if that's muscle cleavage or boob cleavage)... either way its fun.

HOW I RELATE:
I'm quite the debugger too, you know! I've killed like 1000 ants, with a variety of weapons. I also have to debug my crappy php code. This game really relates to me though, in the fact that I never have any idea where I stand with that partner person. Is it a girl? If so, is she interested? Or does she just want me to debug the spacestation for her, so her and her boyfriend can have a place to crash...


SUPER STAR SOLDIER:



LOWDOWN:
I had to throw this one in, because for god sakes, Super Star in the title, blast on the back of the box! This is another no bullshit game where you kill lots and lots of enemies and its really hard. Great music and great gameplay, semi-ok graphics.

HOW I RELATE:
Here's proof that me and TG16 were meant to go together. 4 concepts common to all tg16 games: No Bullshit, Great music, Great gameplay, but not-so-hot graphics. I'm pretty sure I fit that bill.

Anyway, in conclusion, you should realize that graphics dont make the game. Look at other elements, and maybe you'll find yourself a new favorite system.
Comments: 3

02/04/04 05:59:22 - Subwoofers at 6am

Dear lord. Why the hell do people feel this insatiable need to blast subwoofers at 6am? I dont know what it is, but every apartment I've ever lived in, people wake up at 5-6am to an hour of annoying tejano beats.




Maybe they think this sexy subwoofer girl will come and have sex with them because of their huge subwoofers. Well guess what, assholes, you're wrong. I killed her, and I have her broken mangled body locked in my closet. SO TURN THE FREAKING SUBWOOFERS OFF SO I CAN GO TO SLEEP.
Comments: 1

02/04/04 03:02:25 - I am dead Sexy.



Yeah, I really am sexy. Not just because I spent time at the top of the sexiest gamer list either.

I'm not sexy because of my awesome blue shirt with the ferny leaves, nor am I sexy for my lightsaber or my "Rico Suave" type hair.

Most people, actually, would probably say that I'm not sexy at all.

Fools.

So, what is sexy?

The Sexiest Man Alive in 2003 was Johnny Depp, according to people magazine. Now, I think I'm pretty well up there, so lets compare.

An objective analysis:

VS.
Is a pretend JediTIEIs a pretend Pirate
Kills annoying people with a lightsaber<---Kills Jeffrey Rush with a sword
Ideal date is staying at home and playing Jedi Knight, and having her watch--->Ideal date is getting really drunk off rum and passing out on a random island in the Caribbean
Has out of control, crazy hair--->Has out of control, crazy hair, but gets laid because of it
Hangs out with Jonathan Martindill<---Hangs out with Orlando Bloom
Lives in Austin<---Lives in France, and Los Angeles
Quote: "Why would I ever want to meet chicks who cant figure out the first year of c++?"TIEQuote: "Am I a romantic? I've seen Wuthering Heights ten times. I'm a romantic."
Gamer.tv's Sexiest Male Gamer for a little bit last week.--->People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" for 2003.
Paid $4500 for a Volvo 940 Station Wagon, so he could drive around and have fun. No deaths yet.<---Paid $350,000 for a nightclub (The Viper Room) in Los Angeles, so he could hang out and have fun. River Phoenix died there.
Girls see him and wish they could have sex with Johnny Depp--->

Girls see him and immediately after are willing to have sex with Star






Scores:



Star Salzman: 6
Johnny Depp: 6


Conclusion: TIE!



Looks like I'm at least as sexy as the Sexiest Man Alive... and I can live with that.


Comments: 5

02/02/04 16:35:32 - Beware, I Live.




Dude, Sinistar is the scariest game ever made. I used to play it when I was a kid.
From my life's story:

Me and my dad used to go to the arcade all the time. He used to watch me play tron, spy hunter, and this really scary game called sinistar. Whenever I got close to beating it, this thing starts chasing you and says RUN COWARD!!! I HUNGER!!! and it scared the crap out of me. Each time I'd try to play, so I could make my dad proud, and each time I got so scared that I almost wet myself. He had to finish himself, because I would literally jump out of the machine and say "I cant do it dad". That stupid game still really scares me.



Anyway, its freaking scary. Check this out, its a soundbyte from the game.

So yeah. You also suck. yep



Comments: 3

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