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The Time Me and Star Went to Buy Pants


Star and I were cruising down I-35 jamming to some great music when suddenly a siren started blaring.  Star glanced in his rear-view mirror and saw a fire truck bearing down on us.  He pulled over to the side of the road to let the truck pass, but it stopped, too.  A man hopped out of the driver seat and walked up to Star’s window.  He was wearing a black t-shirt and the most amazing pair of pants I had ever seen.

“How can I help you?”  Star inquired.

“Well, sir, you don’t know me, but I am Captain Rusty.  I am with an organization called the Stop The Fires Union.  The STFU has become aware of a situation developing at a department store a little ways down the highway.  We know of you, and your admirable reputation for do-gooding, and ask for your assistance in stopping this particular fire.”

“I’ll gladly do anything I can to help,” Star replied.

We followed the fire truck to the department store.  It was called “Things to Cover Your Bum,” and sold exclusively pants. I had never seen an all-pants store before, but Star told me they were a European thing, so I guess it was normal.

We followed Captain Rusty into the store’s front doors.  There was a sign over the doors that had a picture of Star saying, “What kind of pants are YOU wearing?”  The first thing that struck me was that it was a picture of Star; things were getting weird.  The second thing that occurred to me was that, in fact, I wasn’t wearing any pants at all.  I had lost them at a diner on the road.

Just inside the doors, we were met by an executive-looking fellow wearing pants to rival those worn by Captain Rusty.  Captain Rusty introduced the man as The Boss.  The Boss went on to brief Star on the situation.

“Star, I’m glad we found you.  We need your help.  We have reason to believe that there will be a fire here in about fifteen minutes that will burn all of the magnificent pants to ash..”

“Two questions.  Star replied. “How do you know there will be a fire? And what can I do to help?”

“I’m not going to lie to you, Star.  STFU is an organization from the distant future that is trying to save the Earth.  We don’t have time to give you all of the details, but this store is the keystone of the future.  To answer your second question, we really don’t know how you can help.  We figure you can just do what you do.”

“No problem, I can handle it.”  Star answered.

Star already had a plan.  I think he knew exactly what was going on, though I certainly didn’t.  We walked to the back of the store into the men’s restroom. I passed out after seeing what was in there.

Star shook me awake immediately.  My eyes focused on Star, and Star….and me.

“This is us from the future, Jon.”  Star explained to me.

“Great Scott.”  I replied.

I took a look at the future-me.  I was wearing the same shirt I was wearing (wtf?) but I had on a pair of pants the likes of which had never before been seen on earth.

Future-Star noticed me noticing future-my pants.

“Those are the pants that can destroy the world, Jon.”  He told me.  “There will be an alien named Pinkle in about 1000 years who comes back in time looking for those pants.  Their powers are amazing, but we don’t have time to go into that.  Here’s the plan.  The other Star is going right now to put on a concert in Hong Kong. You are going to take these pants and stay right here.”

So I did, I took the pants from myself and put them on.  Star left the room with Captain Rusty.

“How does this save the world?”  I asked future-Star.

Pinkle is the biggest Star Salzman fan to ever exist. Ever.  We know this.  He will not miss my concert.  Therefore, when he comes to THIS time, now, he will go to the concert, and not be looking in this store for those pants.  Only during my concert will those pants be safe from him.  So you sit here while the other me puts on the concert. Captain Rusty will fill you in on the rest later.  For now, just sit here.”

Future-Star and future-Jon left.  I sat in the restroom for about three hours.  I may have been boring, but my pants kept me entertained.

Then, Star and Captain Rusty returned.

“We must hurry, Jon,” said Star.  I had no idea what was going on.

They led me into the fire truck that Captain Rusty had driven, and strapped me into a very comfortable seat.  Star strapped into a seat like mine nearby.  Captain Rusty went to the driver’s seat.

“Enjoy the ride, gentlemen,” said Captain Rusty.  He put the truck in gear and drove about three hours back in time.

We rushed out of the truck and into the store’s restroom.  There, we waited.  Soon, Star and Jon arrived, and I had to give my pants to myself.  Then, Star and I took our leave with Captain Rusty.

“Before we let you go on your way, Star, is there any way we can have a picture of you to make a sign out of?  It would be good for business.”  Captain Rusty asked.

“I had a feeling this was your store.  I’d be more than happy to sponsor your store,” Star replied.

Captain Rusty snapped a photo, and Star and I got into Star’s car and resumed our trek down the highway.  I once again had no pants.

“What the hell just happened, Star?”  I asked.

“STFU Jon”


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All rights and wrongs reserved.

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