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Why the French are a Wart on the Face of Europe

Or

Why I like a nice frog leg salad from time to time

 

I’ve never met a Frenchman I liked. As a matter of fact, I’ve never met a Frenchman that didn’t disgust me with his foul stench and odiferous speaking habits. Now don’t get me wrong: the Belgians and Netherlanders are, on the contrary, a very likable lot. I’ve known many a Dutchman, and even though I was somewhat disappointed by their inability to fly, they weren’t overtly offensive. Please, then, don’t accuse me of simply blanketing disdain upon all of Gaul and the Low Countries.

All my disdain belongs to France.

Homophonically speaking, Gaul = Gall = Nasty Stomach Secretions. Yes, yes, that’s about right. What other people has been invaded so repeatedly, defeated so repeatedly, and exhibited such blatant girliness on a societal level so openly and disgustingly? Poland, perhaps, has endured more assaults, and been the "whipping-boy" of choice in Central Europe for more than a century. But they’re Poles! Ignorant or not, no one has ever accused the Poles of eating pastries or sipping cappuchino. In fact, I think it’s illegal there!

Back to the topic. Since until now I’ve just been haphazardly heaping insult upon our friends across the pond, perhaps I should qualify my berating. The French believe that it is still the early 19th century. The French believe that they've still got du Langue Internationale, or whatever. They believe that Paris is still the center of all culture. Unfortunately for them, the only worthwhile thing that comes out of France is Airbus airplanes. (The A320 is so preferable to the 757. So much roomier. So much more fuel efficient…mmm….) But that’s a joint project with the Britons, a people to which even America must pay homage.

They have made no significant contributions to science in the last 80 years, have contributed nothing musically, artistically, culturally, or in any other societal way in the last 50, and have continuously played the honorary global "Devil’s Advocate" in every world conflict since Vietnam. Oh, the Iraqis, they’re not so bad. Oh, Slobodan, he’s an alright guy. Oh, Bill Clinton didn’t do anything more than my mother does every evening.

They protest against McDonald’s, and then go grab a Big Mac when no one’s looking. They whine about American Hegemony at EuroDisney, then show their friends their picture album with Mickey de Mouse and Plieuteaux the Dog.

And what’s with "eilles" doing the work of the single letter "I"? How inefficient is that? I could spell the name of their largest port city, "Marsi", and be done with it. But noooo, I mean…neaaauuuxxxxx, they have to do it the "high society" way. The Freeeeennnccch way.

They’re all frogs, if you ask me.

It’s a hedonistic, liberal, self-absorbed, indolent, unproductive dearth of all that is good in humanity. It’s homophonous with stomach secretions. It’s France.

Shinywalrus





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